The Search for Belonging: A Personal Journey

Dear Mr.,
All my life, I’ve felt out of place. I could never feel like I belonged. To somewhere, anywhere; to someone, anyone. No one.
There must be something wrong with me. How could they be so natural with each other, and I just feel odd? How could every occasion containing other people be such a discomfort to me and such relief for others?
Over time, I learned how to tone myself down. It helped me make friends. It helped me get somewhere. On the surface, at least. I left home, moved away to a different continent, in desperate need of satisfying the desire to belong. Then I figured it was no use. A harsh reality to face. The feeling was supposed to come from me, from inside. It wasn’t the city, the country, it wasn’t the lover; it was me. And how sad it is that I have to carry myself around everywhere I run off to.
I lost myself in the process of conforming to society. I needed the acceptance of others to feel fulfilled. Or at least I thought.
The year I met you, I was feeling empty, lost, and lonely. When we talked that day, it wasn’t merely a conversation for me. You somehow saw me. You saw me despite the guard I held up high and strong. You could see through me. I fought to be understood for so long throughout my life until that moment. I sacrificed so much of myself to be heard. Yet, you understood my heart with such ease that it felt surreal. It was surreal.
How could two people meet on such a common ground that both of them are emotionally and intellectually aligned without even trying to appeal to each other? It was so natural, it felt so right.
That is why it gave me such sorrow to know we could never be friends. I, a non-believer, prayed to God that day for a soul like you that would understand my burden, although I knew it was no use.
Maybe in another time, at a different place, we share similar titles, we are the same age, and we’re good friends. Maybe in another lifetime, we can fulfil what our souls are obliged to. I hope to meet you in that lifetime. I hope to find myself a home there.